“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
— Matthew 18:15–17 (ESV)
Through the Bible: Matthew 18
For the most part, Christians avoid confrontation like it’s an eighth deadly sin. I’ve known people in churches with multiple service times change which service they attend just to avoid running into someone they’re at odds with. That’s why, when I came across a little book by George Bullard called Every Congregation Needs a Little Conflict, I was immediately intrigued.
Bullard argues that conflict is not only normal in a growing church—it’s necessary. “The absence of conflict,” he writes, “usually means the absence of passion.” In other words, disagreement isn’t the problem. Avoidance is. Healthy congregations face tension early, honestly, and with grace.
The book outlines seven levels of conflict intensity—from “identifiable, task-orineted issues” at the mild end to “intentional physical harm to people or propertty” at the extreme. Level One can be resolved with a Coach; Level Seven can be resolved with a cop. The higher the intensity, the harder it becomes to restore peace.
Most church conflicts, Bullard says, spiral out of control because no one engages when the problem is still small. If we’d step in early—while it’s still a misunderstanding instead of a meltdown—conflict could stay creative instead of becoming destructive. Healthy churches don’t fear tension; they face it prayerfully, before it reaches a boiling point.
That sounds a lot like what Jesus is teaching in Matthew 18. He doesn’t tell His followers to ignore offenses or sweep them under the rug. He gives us a redemptive process—one that’s as practical as it is spiritual.
Step One: Go First
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.”
Notice who takes the initiative. Not the offender, but the offended. Jesus puts the responsibility for reconciliation on the one who’s been hurt. That’s not easy, but it’s holy.
Most of us go to someone else first—to vent, to validate, or to build a coalition. But Jesus says to go directly, privately, and humbly. This isn’t about proving who’s right; it’s about restoring what’s broken. The word “gained” in verse 15 is a term from the marketplace—it means “to win back.” The goal of confrontation isn’t punishment. It’s redemption.
Step Two: Bring Help, Not Backup
“But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.”
The second step isn’t about ganging up on someone. It’s about inviting wise, trusted believers to help mediate and clarify. They aren’t there to take sides—they’re there to make sure both sides are heard.
Bullard might call this moving from reaction to reflection. When others join the conversation prayerfully, emotions settle and perspective widens. Sometimes just having other eyes and ears in the room keeps a disagreement from turning into a disaster.
Step Three: Tell It to the Church
“If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.
Don’t miss the fact that this is only one of two times Jesus ever uses the word “Church.” (The other time was the chapter before this, when Jesus told Peter that He would build His church “upon this rock.”) So let this sink in: Jesus taught a process of conflict resolution in the church before there ever was a church!
Verse 17 sounds harsh to modern ears, especially that part about treating the unrepentant person like a tax collector. But for Jesus, the end game is never exile, its resroration. When Jesus says “the church,” He’s envisioning the gathered community that loves both parties enough to intervene.
Sidebar: What About Church Discipline?
Church discipline gets a bad reputation, but biblically it’s an act of love, not condemnation. When handled well, it’s the church surrounding a brother or sister in prayer, calling them back to fellowship and faithfulness. The hope is always repentance and reconciliation. Even in the final stage—“let him be to you as a Gentile or tax collector”—we remember how Jesus treated Gentiles and tax collectors: He pursued them with compassion. Discipline that doesn’t desire restoration isn’t biblical; it’s bullying.
Jesus follows this process with a promise: “Where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them” (v. 20). Most people quote that about small worship services, but in context, it’s about reconciliation. Christ is uniquely present when His people work toward peace.
When I read Bullard’s book, I realized how beautifully it echoes Jesus’ wisdom. Bullard says every congregation needs a little conflict, but it needs biblically guided conflict—conflict handled early, face-to-face, and with the aim of redemption.
That’s the genius of Matthew 18. Jesus doesn’t just tell stories about grace; He gives us a process for practicing it. The parable that follows—the unforgiving servant—shows us what happens when grace doesn’t reach the heart. But the process that comes before shows us what happens when it does.
Grace isn’t abstract. It’s not a sermon concept or a song lyric. It’s what happens when two people who’d rather avoid each other choose to meet, speak truth, and seek peace in the presence of Jesus.
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